Fathers.....

Today, I sat and wondered, what would it have felt like as a child to not have a father? I couldn't fathom it because my father was so involved in my life. My dad was a single father, dealing with a female child, which I imagine was very hard for him, dealing with raising a child of the opposite sex. My mom was around but I lived mainly with my dad visiting my mom through-out the week and sometimes spending summers with her. But if anyone asked me who was my favorite parent, my answer, of course, would be my dad.

I learned many of the good qualities that I do have in my from my father. He instilled him me the power of respect, humility, admitting defeat, pushing on to persevere, and how to be a great parent. He never showed weakness, even when faced with adversities, such as loosing his job and being in debt, or when getting into arguments with my mother and so forth. He always made sure that the mood around us was happy even though he may have been a little depressed or felt troubled by anything. Even when there was no work, he always seemed to buy me whatever I needed(or wanted) and made sure there was a roof over my head. There were few things I went to my mom for, because, I was daddy's little girl. Quite frankly I still am. But when it came to womanly things, I had no choice, because my dad had no answer for me. What would have happened if my mom wasn't around to answer those questions though?? This lead me to my next thought, how will my son cope without his own father?

Seven and a half years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. His biological father disappeared after a disagreement between the two of us and the person whom I thought was the love of my life(my soon to legally be ex-husband) decided to sign the birth certificate, out of "love", so we could be a family and to give my son a name and a father. I was iffy about it. I wasn't sure about having him take on someone else's responsibility but I agreed after he reassured me that this was for the best and because I truly did not want to raise my son without a father. As our relationship soured, I still didn't believe that he would walk away but soon enough he too disappeared into the abyss and showed no signs of return. On I went on the path to single motherhood with a 1 year old baby boy, hoping for the best. Before he turned 2, I started dating someone else, who knew my son from birth, someone who actually knew his birth father. Still I trucked along with single parenthood, falling sick in the process, and luckily having my mother for some long awaited support. For almost 3 years I dealt with my son on my own, having a daughter with the person I was dating, until my dear "husband" decided to rear his head again, shaking up mine and my son's world all over again. He then again was in and out of my son's life for the next three years, increasing his time with him in the last year. I little after my son turned six, I decided to move down south for my son's sake. There are better and smaller schools here where we live. But the problem was, he would not be able to see this man that he still thinks is his father. The dear husband threw around that if he didnt want me to leave with my son, that he would have stopped me because he had the right to being a legal parent, but yet when it comes time for child support he doesnt want to send a penny for him (something I refuse to ask him for anyway out of principle) and when it comes down to dealing with a child who has ADHD, ODD and educational disabilities, he wasnt there. The only person that had been giving me his full support, like talking to me about my son's issues and talking to my son, was the one man who had always been constant in my life, my own dad.

Why is it now that a lot of men from the black and hispanic diaspora decide not to be active fathers? Are good father's a dying breed? Why create a child, only to abandon it? I don't know what the future holds but what if my son has answers about being a man that I can't answer? Whom to I send him to? My dad? My boyfriend? He's already asked me one of the hardest questions that I've ever had to answer in my life: Why does everyone have their dad around them but I don't? It was sad. Truly sad, something I felt horrible about. Something I wanted to do something about. It was a question I could not answer.